Female to my fingertips

Disabled women only ever marry disabled men and if they manage to produce children, these will also be disabled."Women who have a disability are sex-less and should not have a family." That's the general view. Claudia Seipelt-Holtmann, mother of two boisterous sons, has proved this to be wrong. This is her story.

"When I meet people, whether they are disabled or not, they very often ask me one or both of these questions: Is you husband disabled too? Are your children disabled?" My answer to both these questions is "No". If the person who asked is a disabled woman, the typical reaction is: "You've been very lucky", or "That's unbelievable", whereas non-disabled women are more likely to say: "What a burden for the husband."

The social value system

I believe that there are two reasons for these reactions: on the one hand, many people are simply incapable of understanding and accepting disability. The way that society views the family generates a huge discrepancy in its expectations of a disabled person. This means that the disabled person is manipulated, from early childhood, into certain ways of thinking and behaving, and not allowed to make its own decisions. On the other, we take our cues from this norm and value system and adopt it just like any other. Hence we experience ourselves as being different, a deviation from the norm. Even if the lifestyle and ambitions of non-disabled people do not fit us, we long for them. As long as we are unable to create our own framework and objectives, we remain in the ambiguity of a degrading resignation or inappropriate compensation, since we believe that we must conform to the general norms.

Despite these social conditions I never had any problems with my femininity, neither as a girl nor as a woman, wife, or as a mother. As a teenager I had disabled and non-disabled boyfriends, but I was spared the pressure to have sex which was de rigueur for my non-disabled friends. I was determined that the first time - should be wonderful - and so indeed it was.

Happy adolescence

I've never had a problem with my looks as a woman. I knew exactly what I wanted, I was prepared to wait, and I was aware of my limitations and my abilities. Of course there was "boy trouble", lovesickness and disappointments, but these experiences never interfered with my identity as a woman. There can be no doubt that our positive family atmosphere contributed much to my developing my own identity. My mother took me everywhere, to discos, to "friends" places, to dancing lessons. I also had a teacher who gave me space to develop my talents and who never made my disability into the defining characteristic of my personality. My disability was simply one among all my other personality traits. This perception has been with me all my life and is the basis for my deep-rooted self-confidence.

Many women don't ever get the chance to come to terms with their own femininity. When I suggested to a disabled friend that we should go on a dance course, her parents were adamant that this was not something their daughter needed. Sometimes, the onset of menstruation is hushed up, in other cases sterilization is considered even before then. Activities and needs that would help develop a feminine identity are not normally encouraged or supported. That makes it difficult to get a different slant on life and create one's one framework for a life that's built around self-determination.

Combining a career with a family

Establishing a career was actually more important for me than a relationship and family. So when I quite unexpectedly got pregnant, it was a difficult decision to have the baby as I was right at the beginning of my career. And I was well aware that if I was to fulfill the role of a mother I would need a framework. This would need to be created since legislation makes no provision for disabled mothers. Consequently, there is no legally assured support, such as funding for technical aids or personal assistance. I myself never had any doubts about my ability to fulfill the role of a mother, and yet the fact that I am dependent on such a framework makes other people believe that I am not. I was not prepared to get into a situation where I would be coerced into justifying and proving myself as a person. Today, I am glad that I am a mother, although I see time and time again that my reservations were correct. It's not easy to make this life choice naturally and feel like a woman to your fingertips.

Source: Claudia Seipelt-Holtmann, INFORUM 1/98, pro infirmis